I have held myself back for years. I was afraid to let my uncontrollable urge to just have fun and to follow my intuition guide my work as coach, communications advisor and film maker. All day long I held my breath, kept my stomach in and maintained a straight and controlled posture. I had developed this way of living as a teen ager. My father told me to be serious and to control myself. Strangely enough, that rhythm suited me well. While living that way I met people, I built relationships with people and I knew very well how to suit myself to other people’s needs. I felt like no other what the other person needed and lived my life accordingly. I was pretty successful in my work, but as unhappy with myself and my relationships as I was successful. I noticed that I was continually keeping back; that I didn’t shine anymore and was losing my authentic self. I saw that I was forcing myself to keep up appearances, that my life was like a photograph that had long faded; that I wasn’t living a fruitful life any longer. And then I was done with it.
Happiness is often the theme of my work and therefore I decided first and foremost to be happy. I learned to do so by doing more and more of the things that made me happy, instead of surrendering myself to the other. By doing yoga, by listening to music, by being outside a lot and by walking bare footed. By realizing that my inner critic was tearing me to pieces each and every day. Foremost, by focusing on the things that were working and were flowing. The book Love Shy by Hannah Cuppen was full of recognition for me. In her book she explains how lovers get into a relationship and how processes like fear of commitment and separation anxiety work, in which I both recognised myself, as well as people around me.
Not just love relationships, but also business relationships revolve around telling your own truth. Your truth and not THE truth. Because the truth doesn’t exists. Everything that exists is but an interpretation that we make in our minds, and that is simply different for everyone. It’s about acknowledging that what you want and feel isn’t crazy. In fact, it is totally me and it suits my personality. And you cannot say that if you want to be taken seriously you have to adapt to the other person, at the cost of yourself.
No, it is not so that I never do that anymore, but I notice it much earlier on when I am not true to myself and my values.
I have surrounded myself with people who love me for who I am, I coach people back to loving themselves so they start to shine again, I marry people to each other and to themselves and I live together with Peter Pan, the cuddliest cat in the world.